The angel and the devil on my shoulders.
The guiding light.
What do you call the little voice inside your head?
Did you know that you have a voice in there? You do!
It is that voice that says, "Hey, you need to go see that old friend, don't wait."
Or you're at the grocery store, "Something is off with that guy. Be cautious of him."
You know when it speaks.
And you know how it speaks, too.
Maybe your voice whispers.
Maybe it yells suddenly and tosses you into awkward situations and conversations.
Maybe your voice sits calmly and taps it's fingers and whistles while it waits for you to hear what is has to say.
I like to think of my voice as this brilliant little person who dwells on top of a huge pile of things that I have yet to discover.
It knows my potential.
It knows the deepest places of my heart.
It knows my true intentions.
It just knows me.
Sometimes it makes very blatant attempts at plunging me into new directions.
Other times it is so very quiet and seems to want to see if I am in tune;
If I am strong and bold enough make the plunge on my own.
Usually, not the case.
We carry this voice our entire lives.
It is born with us.
I am 24 now (a few months beyond) and I am just getting to be friends with my voice.
Sometimes it's really hard to listen to it, but when I do... It never fails me.
I am in a season of my life where my voice has no reservations for sitting back and watching any longer. It's been loud. Annoying. It interrupts me.
It is nagging and now impossible to ignore.
I find some peace and comfort and then it pops up and says,
"Oh no! There will be no comfort zones Kelly! Do this. And do it now. And also, you have to trust me entirely! And I may not show you my reasonings any time soon or even ever but you have to trust me, so move."
The first time it ever spoke to me (in this loud, nagging way) was at the Academy.
Remember when I went to the doctor's office and plopped down and threw in the towel?
It was February 29, 2016.
The two weeks prior to that surrender, my voice had been harassing me.
It followed me around and watched me self-medicate and lay in agony.
It walked in my shadow and had it's hands behind it's back with his head hanging low, just like mine.
It started quietly whispering to me.
I made every attempt to hush it up.
It would tap my shoulder.
It was not putting up with my BS.
It finally just stepped out in front of me, placed it's hands on my cheeks and said,
"It is time. Get out of here. Something is wrong, and it will not resolve itself. Go home. Trust me. I'll let you come back here. But you have to go."
So, I went against what I wanted to do, and I listened.
My willingness to listen and trust brought me great wisdom, joy, and ultimately growth.
It brought strength in my existing relationships, and it brought new ones all together.
It seems as though the more I listen to it, the more I acknowledge it's presence deep within me, it guides me more often and more obviously.
Trusting it is very difficult.
I want to create my own plans, I want XYZ to happen before ABC, I want everything to happen according to what's comfortable and easy.
This is being human.
Comfortable and easy isn't going to move you forward.
The transition sucks, but the end result is "Ah ha! Okay. I see you. What else do you have?"
Listen to your voice.
Call it what you wish.
Think of it in however context you can.
Acknowledge that it is there.
If you give it the opportunity, it will lead you to wonderful, scary places.
It will push you off of cliffs into deep, magnificent waters to swim in.
It will stand you up and walk you across a crowded room to hug a stranger.
It is a voice that is impossible to comprehend or fully understand.
And it does not expect you to do so. It only expects your trust.
Once you surrender that trust into it and stop believing that this life can be conquered by your power only, it will smile and say, "I've been waiting for you! I have so many things in store, let's go."
It loves you.
It knows you.
It wants you to step out of your comfortable little box and get your hands dirty.
And, it wants to go there with you.
So, turn around and tell it hello. See what it has for you today.
It wants me to gear up and go run in the rain. Why? Ugh.