Thursday, December 15, 2016

Clear the Cobwebs

I started this blog during my freshman year of college. 
I was 18. 

I read through fifty-something posts I shared over the course of three years on this very page.
I realized quite quickly that I really had no idea who I was during my college years. 
I was really portraying that I knew myself, but I didn't.
I spent a lot of years and time on negative energy.
On bad habits.
On bad people. 
I had my fair share of hurt hand-outs. 

I soul search now. 
I get to know myself better everyday. 
I try to grow everyday...
Learn something new...
Get scared about something... 
Step out of my zone. 
I am human, though. Tried and true. 

I was led back into my blog after being so inspired by one of the ways a dear friend of mine shares herself. 
She blogs.
I have been reading her "stuff" for years, but now that I'm an adult, I get it. It all clicks. 
She spills her heart out to you.
I can literally feel her in my core when I read what she shares. 
It's a lot of "ah ha" moments. 
A lot of relatable... "stuff" :) 

My main goal in being here (again) is to have things that come from my heart click with you. For you. 
Pouring myself here is for me, too.
I find out a lot about myself when my fingers are ticking the keyboard.

My main struggle at this time is PURPOSE. 
I will get into that some other time. 

So in observing my Facebook... 
Friends have encouraged me to get back into this. 
They apparently like the way I write. The things I say. 
Um, hello pressure! 
Actually... I have been told that I need to write a book. 
I do not give myself such credit, but this is what friends are for, right? My friends believe in me so much that they actually think I can write a book?! :) 
I could. That isn't where my immediate passion lies at the moment.
I'll blog for now. It gives me some purpose. 
Book??? Maybe someday. 

I want to share the songs of my heart. 
Here. Whenever. However. 


Writing has ALWAYS been a thing for me. I kept journals/diaries growing up. 
I have attempted to write my autobiography (lol).
I can't just tell you "happy birthday". I have to write a novel exclaiming why I love you so much and tell you how special you are in my life and why I need you and why I think you are the best person EVER! 
That's just me. Everything I feel is felt so deeply. 
And I mean it all, too!

As much as writing is a thing for me, so is reading. 

I have recently been brought back to an old quote that really sunk into my bones the first time I read it. It was years ago. 
The quote is: "When somebody tells you that you have hurt them, you do not get to decide that you didn't".
Powerful, right?
I find it so interesting that for all of this time, 
I only stayed on one end of that statement. 
I wore it around like armor. 
You hurt me you're wrong I'm right I can be mad for however long I want and you have to feel bad about it. HA.  

It wasn't until recently that I explored the opposite end.  

When somebody tells you that you have hurt them...
When somebody tells me that I have hurt them...
(This is a tough pill to swallow)
I do not get to decide that I didn't. 
I do not get to justify my hurtful words/actions. 
I do not get to cover my rear end with excuses. 
I do not get to tell the person to get over it. 
I have hurt somebody. 
I have hushed the song in somebody's heart. 
I have stolen somebody else's joy. 
Who am I to do that? 
And... (you're allowed to say it)

So in really meditating on this quote, I have found it so easy to forgive others for stealing my joy. For hurting me. 
Because when I cause hurt... 
I want a second chance. I want redemption. 
Of course, when I know the person did not mean to hurt me... It makes this a piece of CAKE. Even more so if it's somebody I love. Even MORE SO if they say those magic words.
I. Am. Sorry.
When those pieces are missing...
the second chance/redemption/forgiveness thing gets a little tricky, right? 

Are you relating???
Then there is the ugly side to this thing. 
The hurt was intentional. 
They meant it. 
They wanted it.
They LIKE IT. 
Breaking you down builds them up! 

Or maybe it's something like this: 
They didn't mean to hurt you, but they did. 
So you are brave and you tell them. 
Or you're not so brave so you hint around. 
Or you just really hate confrontation and negative energy so you change your behavior towards them without realizing. Because you're hurt.
Then, they catch on. Maybe. 
They don't realize they hurt you they just realize something they said or did is not being accepted kindly. 
Next, they manipulate the situation to make you the guilty party. 
You now feel responsible for this turmoil. 
You haven't done anything wrong. 
You're just hurt. 
Now there is a huge mess,
And you somehow have the broom in your hand. 

Still relating?

We all go through this stuff. 
I am writing about it because (as most are) I am hurting. 
It feels good to talk about those feelings of hurt instead of dwelling on the people and the actions that hurt me. 

Dwelling on people and their actions in your life (negatively speaking) really does not do any justice for you, believe me. 
Phone a friend. A trustworthy friend. A keep-every-secret-you-have friend.
Talk/cry/yell/swear. Let it all out there. And then, let it go. 
You know why?
It is not your fault when somebody hurts you. 
AND ... You cannot change or control anybody.
You can only control the way you react to them.
All of these are so important to accept. 

It feels good to know I am relatable. 
I know I am relatable because I know we all have felt these feelings and deal with these things. 
We all live in the same messy world with big problems without any of the answers to them.

I hope I am not leading you down a path of answers on how to deal with people hurting you. I don't have those answers.
I don't really have answers to anything. 
I just know my story, what's worked, what hasn't. 
I know what I've learned from other people's stories. 
I know how I feel. 
I do not know answers. 

People are going to hurt you.
They are going to do it by ignorance, by their own insecurities, and on purpose! And probably many other clever ways. 
You are going to hurt people too. You have hurt people by ignorance, by feeling insecure, and you have hurt people on purpose.
Me too.

Hurt people hurt people. 
Loved people love people. 

Are you carrying around hurt and sharing it with others?
Are you carrying around love and sharing it with others? 

Which cycle are you watering and feeding? 
These are necessary questions I ask myself and you should ask yourself, too. 
Explore yourself.
Get to know yourself.

If you are carrying around hurt and spreading it like wildfire...
Where is all of your hurt coming from?
Where did it begin?
How can you tackle that hurt and stop passing it onto others?
Digging up dirt on yourself really sucks. It does. 
It's necessary though.
It will help you.
It can heal you. 
You just have to explore yourself. 
Clear the cobwebs and get into those messy places. 

If you are so full of love, forgiveness, even grace:
Why? How?
What in your life led you to that place? 
How can you successfully share it with others and teach them your ways? Seriously. 
This works both ways like that. 
I have found, too, that many people that are this way... 
They have such unimaginable hurt in their life stories. 
They wear scars that you may or may not ever see. 
They are not living in worlds of rainbows and butterflies. 
They are the people that have already cleared their cobwebs and have chosen to share love instead of hurt. 
They are us. They are hurting. They just choose not to spread it. 

If you are a person full of hurt: 
Start chilling with a person who is full of love. 
The people who we surround ourselves with greatly influence us. 
So who do you want to be more like?
Go hang out with them. 
Talk to them. 

But never be ashamed to admit that you see something profound in another person and want that for yourself.
Always cherish your hurts. 
Your scars.
Your stories. 
Embrace what they have done in your life. 
But do not let them define it.
Do not let them control it. 

Hand the broom back over. 
Find your own broom. 
Find your own mess. 
Start cleaning. 


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